Holidays for teddy bears are being offered by a German travel agent.

Christopher Boehm and Elke Verheugen promise "The holiday of a teddy's lifetime with a host of activities to tempt teddy away from the loving arms of his owner for a week or two."

The following are a list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers... (no claim about authenticity is made!)

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news?The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed.It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close.Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'.The two are distinct and separate instructions." "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their f****ng hand stuck in the door"

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down here and shove them up your a**e sideways"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

It has been reported that an employee for Ansett Australia (Airlines), who happened to have the last name of Gay, boarded a plane recently using the company's "free flight" offer for staff. However, when Mr Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a fare-paying passenger.

So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat. Unknown to Mr Gay, another Ansett flight at the airport experienced mechanical problems. The passengers of this flight were being re-routed to various other airplanes.
A few were put on Mr Gay's flight and anyone holding a 'free' ticket was being 'bumped'. Ansett officials, armed with a list of these 'freebee' ticket holders boarded the plane, as is the practice, to remove them in favour of fare paying passengers. Of course, our Mr Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you recall. So when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled customer "Are you gay?" The man, shyly nodded he was, at which point she demanded: "Then you have to get off the plane."

Mr Gay, overhearing what the Agent had said, tried to clear up the situation; "You've got the wrong man. I'm Gay!" This caused and angry third passenger to yell "Hell! I'm gay too! They can kick us all off!"

Confusion reined as more and more passengers began yelling that Ansett had no right to remove gays from their flights.

Apparently Ansett refused to comment on the incident.